You Can't Make Mistakes.

Please check out the new satire in the May edition of Intuition:

Disrael: A new solution to an old problem brings hope

Daemons: Tech-wars against evil in the intertoobs ramp up

Also, if anyone out there would like chance to write satire for Intuition, please contact me for further details.

Enjoy.

I have two new articles in the April edition of Intuition:

Census Cookies – A breakthrough new method of data-gathering is being pioneered in the United States

Cosmic Rays – They’re coming from outer space to break your electrical goods

Enjoy.

This piece originally appeared at Intuition: http://www.intuition-online.co.uk/article.php?id=1018. I am reposting it here because the links did not make it into the final edit properly.

When I was asked to write satire for Intuition’s January edition, I thought back to my undergraduate years and reading Aristophanes, Terence and Menander—classical satirists, in case anyone needs a primer—and wondered what on earth they would write about in this day and age. I often find myself reading the news in the morning, thinking of the three of them, throwing their hands in the air and saying “Gods! It can’t get any more ridiculously surreal than this!”

My brother, a visual artist, brought up exactly this topic after reading my first piece on Intuition. The example he chose: former (quitter) Alaska governor Sarah Palin becoming a talking-head on Rupert Murdoch’s precious flower, FOX News. He noted that during her inaugural appearance—let us please pray that this is the only context we ever hear “inaugural” associated with her name—fellow talking-head Glenn Beck asked if he could read something to her that he wrote in his journal the night before which included the words “tomorrow I meet Sarah Palin. I am a little nervous. I know she is the right person to lead our country out of the mess we are in but I wonder if God has given her the strength.” He said this with a plainly frightened look on his face. This comes right after watching a video clip in which Pat Robertson told faithful followers that the recent devastating earthquake in Haiti was to be attributed to a pact with the devil struck 200 years ago.

How would Aristophanes write about this this now? Well, for a clue, I looked to the the clip of Tina Faye spoofing then governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin in an interview with Katie Couric during the 2008 U.S. elections. Faye’s performance was a perfect example of modern satire carried off in a classical style. It is so much more subtle, though, and doesn’t need for characters to be caricatures of their intended victims because said victims are already caricatures unto themselves. It would appear that imitation is no longer the sincerest form of flattery, it is just a form of satirical insult. Another great example: the episode of South Park titled “Trapped in the Closet” in during which the core beliefs of the Church of Scientology are explicated while a notice flashes at the bottom of the screen that “THIS IS WHAT SCIENTOLOGISTS ACTUALLY BELIEVE.”

Not intending harp on Palin, but the only thing simpler than this form of satire are those gorgeous occasions where an individual can participate directly in their own satirizing, as she did in the lsat presidential election cycle during a prank call from a radio show. We only have to look to the “W” years of the American presidency or to the humorous treasure-trove of North Korean news propaganda. All of these people have either made themselves or been made into caricatures. They need only to be mocked.

So why bother?

Well, it turns out that a lot of people the world over don’t have a sense of humour. It would appear that they simply do not understand how to look at the world around them in such a way that they could find it funny. They see the world as a serious place filled with serious people to be taken seriously. They don’t want to hear any snickering in the back rows. They are also very, very boring (see the above reference to Glenn Beck’s interview with ex-governor Palin).

All of that said, I shall propose a methodology for writing satire so that you too, humble reader, can flex your creative muscles and slag off the idiots that surround you by lobbing insults above their pathetically stupid heads.

First, read a book. Strike that, read a lot of books. To write well you have to be able to read, and be well read. Sci-fi works best because it hits that weird dystopian spot that only it can, but Mark Twain, H. L. Mencken, Oscar Wilde: these will also work. If you want your writing to be really smart, read some philosophy as well, and of course The Classics, so you can be a snob. Reading Ulysses—that’s James Joyce, by the way—will give you the biggest boost in terms of snob-rating. Or you can just do what everyone else does and buy a used copy and the Cliff’s notes (remember those from before the internet?) and just tell everyone that you have read it. That is way easier.

Second, develop a superior attitude. It helps a great deal to feel superior to all of those idiots you are writing about. Reading Mencken and Oscar Wilde, as mentioned above, will help with this. Also see above regarding Ulysses.

Third, have a pint. On second thought, have two or five pints, or maybe several whiskies; preferably while reading the news online or (GASP!) a newspaper (I realize that this is an online publication. Give a brother a break). This will help you to see just what maddening depths to which the world around you is sinking. N.B.: the number of pints you hit the bottom of is proportional to the depth to which the world has sunken.
Now you’re ready. Pick a topic and let fly. Anything can happen. You might be reading an article on how some idiot doctor wants to petition to have butter banned as a toxic substance, and write a story in which some animals have revolted against their farmer oppressors and is now poisoning the rest of their human oppressors by putting saturated fat into the butter and melamine into the milk. You’re on a roll! A few hours later you might wake up on the floor of your flat and shout “Eureka!” and begin writing a dystopian tale of the future in which washed up politicos no longer have fade away but can become internationally famous news pundits and yap all the garbage commentary they like about things they know nothing about! That is almost certain to never happen. What absurdity.

Aristophanes, Menander, and that other guy are dead, but that doesn’t mean that their art has to be. Their world was completely ABSURD too. Once a year, people gathered, got trashed and had a public orgy while the rest of the town looked on from box seats. Men only married to perform their social duties and then buggered off with their youthful compatriots. Some of those men went around town asking questions until everyone decided that it would be best for society if they drank poison. They had good material to work with, and so do we. So, let’s get to it.

As I wrote that last line, I heard a BBC announcer mention that butter should possibly be banned as a toxic substance, given that we have so many healthier substitutes.

I rest my case.

for humor.

Yesterday I got an e-mail from my mother. This is not an uncommon event, but the e-mail was uncommon. She indicated that when she attempted to click the link my my blog-update email, that the computer told her that the web page was not accessible because it contained humor.

Humor?

I was blocked by a server for being funny. I don’t really think that I am funny, but I am on someone’s radar, I guess. I wonder if there is a list published every month with the URL’s of websites that may or may not contain humor. Either that or a great deal of people are reading this blog at that particular place—no names, protect the innocent—and the sysadmin caught it.

I get it, really. No one wants employees surfing the internet during work. Sure. I just cringe at the idea that we block we content because it contains something funny. I think that I might lose my mind if I couldn’t read humor online in between other tasks. We might see an increase in postal-employee-psychosis-style freakouts.

My advice: read this blog at home. Don’t get fired on my account.

Mom, et al: wear Kevlar to work, and have humorless attack drills regularly so that everyone knows what to do if someone loses it because they couldn’t read Dilbert that morning.

And me, well, I probably get flagged for stuff all the time. We live in a world of paranoia and flagging of “sensitive” data, risks, shady people, people who aren’t shady but might be in a place that is known to have other shady people in it: these are all very common. I know my passport has been flagged before, but never for being funny.

Who is who?

My roommate recently asked me: “What’s the difference between Joan Rivers and Joan Collins?” She then qualified: “I am not sure I know who either of them is.”

I have to say that I was taken aback. I could not describe the difference to her, but I knew there was one. This is a mystery to me.

We also discussed the difference between Nick Nolte and Gary Busey, which is apparently a very hot topic for discussion on the internet.

Now, this makes sense. Those two look alike.

I can find no reason why we might confuse Joan Rivers and Joan Collins. But I also can’t really explain the difference between them.

These are the things that you think about late at night in Cairo; the REAL city that never sleeps. The original.

Can anyone enlighten us with your knowledge of the two Joans? Anyone?

No short supply

This is a great idea.

Is there anything he can’t do?

Thanks to Michael Fountain for bringing this gem to my attention. It is superb.

What will Obama do?

What would you like Barack Obama to do if he is elected President?

These are a few of my favorite things

This is my favorite new blog. I was not surprised to see that I do, as a white person, like many of the things listed: just on the first page!

Stuff White People Like

This will be a useful tool for anthropologists of the future to know what the cultural values of white people in the 21st century, as there is very little other cultural artifacts left by white people.

Brilliant.

Figure this one out.

Question: A bulldozer is traveling toward the wall at the Gaza/Egypt border. If it strikes the wall at 25km per hour from a distance of 30 meters, how many Gazans will cross the border in the next week?

Answer: 800,000

Yeah, I just came up with that. I know. I’m hilarious. Go.

Clap your hands for the President?

Earlier, I was explaining to Jeff the differences between the caucus system and the primary election system. His comment: “They need an applause-o-meter to count the size of the group.”

I think he is right. Modern technology shouldn’t replace systems like this: it should augment them. So, now that we have sophisticated noise-level monitoring devices, we should put them to good use and deploy them in the selection of out elected officials.

Imagine the possibilities. Someday, we can have a 100% voter turn out rate by simply having the entire nation clap their hands in response to the TV. We can monitor the noise of clapping hands in the same way that we already monitor people through covert domestic surveillance methods, et voila: presidential election.

Any suggestions for how we can streamline the electoral process in the United States?