Prom ‘08 Whoo-hoo!
Monday 19. May 2008 — 16:56There are very few more American things that this I suppose
So the weekend after I returned to the States, in-line with my continued pursuit of doing typically American things, I worked for Tara (housemate) at Just Good Food in Kalamazoo. This place in in the business of making magical, special days happen. Weddings, proms, you name it. Good food too, like the name would indicate.
This evening it was senior prom for a local high school. Frankly, I was unimpressed. Not by the venue—it was lovely, as always—but the prom kids were atrocious. Let me rephrase that. The prom kids were boring.
Now, I am sure that when I was in high school, I would have seemed boring to someone ten years my senior as well, but I think that there is something else going on as well. At my senior prom, we were relatively badly behaved. I know, from various sources, that loads of folks indulged in not a few cocktails beforehand. I am also relatively certain that there were a variety of intoxicants consumed in the restrooms of the prom venue. Not to mention other illicit, unsavory activities.
In many cases, in high school, we had the adults snowed. They thought we were well behaved, and we were for the most part, but we also realized that the mischief that we got up to was relatively harmless; not to mention unpunishable.
Today’s children are very different.
There was no whiff of Schnapps on the breath of these kids. There were no shady dealings. There was no sneaking off to the back for some extra-curricular groping.
One might assume that this is because of the rock-solid chaperoning that was in place.
Not so, in this case. The chaperons were relatively shiftless. They stood in groups, talking to each other, not watching the kids and certainly not watching the potential scenes of unsavory behavior. They were also relatively stupid creatures. For example, I was nearly stabbed in the face with a pair of scissors during the “balloon drop” at the end of the event. Not by a child, no no, but by a bullish, rounding-fifty woman whom I assumed to be a teacher. She was attempting to cut open the bags in which the balloons were contained. It nearly cost me my eye.
So what is it? Are today’s children better behaved. I recognize the limitations of my current data sample, but bear with me. My theory is this: children’s continued exposure to television and the internet—which they only use to watch television and plagiarize—has rendered them in lack of the creativity required for general mischief. Those still capable of mischief are therefore actually in possession of the faculties for more advanced forms of criminality. General mischief—i.e. drinking mom’s schnapps before prom—has come to be punished by such draconian means that those children who might have done so before are terrified to do so. Those young criminals who haven’t the qualms about punishment—the real criminals, in other words—will walk right past the schnapps and go straight for mommy’s OxyContin and hold steady on till heroin.
I’m not saying that I condone underage drinking. Well, okay, I am saying that I condone underage drinking: within reason. I have a feeling if we lowered the drinking age to 18 from it’s currently puritanical 21, we would have fewer college-alcoholics. There wouldn’t be as much binge drinking before going to the bar, because 18 year olds could go to the bar and have a beer with their older friends. Oh, yeah, we won’t have to worry so much about what Amy Winehouse is teaching our kids, because we will be teaching them about moderation and responsibility by example.
I suppose that my real point is that we all need to step back, have a cocktail, and lighten up. Honestly, if you have a favorite song or painting which wasn’t created and executed by someone who was stoned, drunk, or on some opiate or another, I’ll eat my hat. Though, while I am eating my hat, if you do have such a favorite song or painting, it is likely crap. No offense or anything.
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I think I know that teacher who almost put out your eye. Now you know why I spend my time at staff meetings feeling like Plan Nine from Outer Space: “You stupid Earth people! Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!”